If you’re anything like me, being lied to is one of the worst things that can happen to you. Especially when the lie comes from someone who you believed in so much or cared about. There is something about being lied to which always makes you wonder why. Personally, if I’m lied to about something that is on the scale of moderate to very important, then it takes me a very long times to get over. When it is something small or unimportant, then it’s much easier for anyone to get over. But what if you’re lied to about something that is important and you have a chronic illness? If you’re anything like me it can take up to much of your time, constantly be on the front of your mind and even affect your health. At the end of the post I’ve included a plan on how to deal with a liar, if you know nothing else will work.
Stress plays an extremely important role in Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis. It is talked about extensively, but stress doesn’t cause a person to develop an IBD. Stress can however cause a flare or allow the disease to develop into a more severe case. This is why it’s important to live a healthy life and find a way to balance stress. Being lied to by someone important to you, about a topic which is important to you can cause a person a larger amount of stress. So what do we do?
First I think it’s important to understand why people lie.
- The person, however, who seems to feel compelled to lie about both the small and large stuff has a problem. We often call these folks pathological liars (which is a description, not a diagnosis). They lie to protect themselves, look good, gain financially or socially and avoid punishment.
- Lying often gets worse with the passage of time. When you get away with a lie it often impels you to continue your deceptions. Also, liars often find themselves perpetrating more untruths to cover themselves.
Here is a video about lying:
So now that we know a little more about what might drive a person to lie and that it will likely get worse as time goes by without getting confronted about it. It hurts when a person lies to you because a bond had been broke and an unspoken agreement to treat others the way you would like to be treated.
An important thing about someone who has broken that trust and your relationship with them, is that if the truth is forced out or they are told that you know they have lied to you, then the chance of repairing your trust in them is less. The person has to want to tell you the truth on their own or it has to be asked in a way that the person will tell you the truth.
Here are some clues to see if you’ve been lied to:
- Avoidance of eye contact: Usually someone makes eye contact at least half the time they are talking to you. If you notice them avoiding eye contact or looking down during a specific part of a conversation, they may well be lying.
- Change of voice: A variation in pitch of voice or rate of speech can be a sign of lying. So can lots of umms and ahhs.
- Body language. Turning your body away, covering your face or mouth, a lot of fidgeting of hands or legs can indicate deception.
- Contradicting yourself:. Making statements that just don’t hold together should make you suspicious.
We’re now more prepared and knowledgeable about lying, why people do it and how we can see the signs of if a person is lying to us. No matter what if we’re being lied to, chances are we’re in a difficult situation as well. One that had made us stressed and also hurt. For someone with a chronic condition this isn’t a healthy situation and something must be done. So here are some tips of my own which I’m now going to live by.
- Confront the person in a kind way. Give them the chance to come clean by allowing them to know that they have acted in a suspicious way which has you worried.
- If they don’t want to tell you up front, then let the person have a little bit of time to digest what happened. Allow them some time to know that you’re aware of something. They might feel the need to come clean after a short period.
- After if time goes by and still the situation isn’t getting resolved then let them know that something has to be done soon to work out this problem with trust in the relationship. Make sure they know that you’re hurting and it might be affecting your health.
- Lastly, if nothing is done and the person is continuing to lie to you and be defensive then let them know you are aware of the lies.
This is where it will get hard. After telling someone who you’re aware of their lies, they might even lie to you more in a reaction to being accused. When this happens you give them the proof that you have about the lies. Show them that there is nothing else they can say because the facts are in front of them. Once this has been done you set a timer to 24 hours on your phone or tablet which most people have around them at all times. This is the very hard but necessary part, you tell them that they have 24 hours to come clean and either begin to fix the situation or show you that they have a plan to fix the situation in the very near future when the chance arises. And if they don’t do these things then they will no longer be a part of your life.
If the timer goes off and they haven’t talked to you and told you the truth about the lie or show you that they are willing to fix it, then you sadly know that the lying will only continue, the problem will only get worse and will only affect your health in a more negative way as time goes on. At this point you’ve done everything you could. You’ve given them chance after chance to tell the truth and fix the situation. If they haven’t at this point, then would you really want them in your lives anyway?
It’s hard to just walk away from a person, but sometimes it’s what has to be done. Being lied to is a very hard thing to handle for many people and it can affect the health of someone with Crohn’s disease or ulcerative colitis with all the stress it causes. Make sure that you do what is right for you and what will be best for your health, that is more important than keeping someone in your life who is only making it more complicated.
Never Stay Quiet!